Weve Come a Long Way, Baby

I can't believe that I am at a loss for words right now- for so long I have looked forward to Grant's first birthday, and tomorrow is the big day. I have been staring at my computer screen for the past twenty minutes not even knowing where to begin. I guess I am having a hard time celebrating tomorrow, or at least celebrating the circumstances that led to tomorrow. Honestly it took me a while to kind of come to terms and accept Grant's premature birth; it was probably only in the past few months that it started to feel ok-probably because he is doing so well; I can't even imagine how hard it would be if our outcome wasn't as great. Tomorrow kind of feels like the anniversary of the day my baby was robbed of his final eleven weeks to bounce around carefree in my stomach and instead was subjected to a world of loud noises and painful touches. So many different emotions surrounded his birth; it wasn't a carefree happy time, and I feel selfish to say that I also felt robbed of my pregnancy. It tooke a really long time before I didn't feel a pain in my heart everytime I say a huge pregnant woman or beautiful newborn baby. I felt like a failure as a mother and as a woman. I couln't give to my child what they were to theirs-a full term pregnancy and healthy start at life. Even though I couldn't have done anything differently, I think I will always feel some guilt over what happened. So even though tomorrow doesn't really feel like my child is turning one (I am holding out for March for that one), tomorrow I am going to celebrate how far we have come. I am so proud of where Grant is today; he is such a strong, amazing boy and a pure joy in our lives. As years pass, I know it will really feel like December 24th is his birthday-its just a little hard this year. I have spent a lot of time today looking at pics from the last year, and it brings back so many memories. It is just doesn't seem real that this little chunk I'm holding today is the same tiny baby in the isolette. He's getting huge and I'm loving it! Here's some pics of the day he was born-what a difference a year makes!!